Attaching Hearts

Dried Up Leaf Love

2012-01-23T16:12:00.001-08:00

Bike Path Mud Smudge Love

2012-01-23T16:02:00.000-08:00

Baby Potato Love

2012-01-23T16:01:00.001-08:00

Why Dig Deeper

2012-01-02T13:00:00.001-08:00

Not only does it get to the root of the issue, but time and time and time again, we see how secular psychology fails. The thing adults often think is the trigger for a kid with RAD rarely is. Case in point.

Christmas is full of those special behaviors.

At the end of a 4 day spiral. . .

It wasn't from one thing I would ever think of.

She was jealous. They had all gotten outdoor gifts for Christmas. Apparently hubby and I were praising a sibling MORE than her. She was jealous.

What would a typical child do if they felt that way? Draw your attention away to them, right? One-up the sibling? Better and brighter. "Look at me! I'm doing so good on my scooter! Mom, watch me do this! Isn't that great! My scooter is the best!" etc.

Kids with trauma seeing the positive attention to another do not seek out positive attention. They seek out negative attention because they want the positive attention. It doesn't make sense. When they start to heal and can articulate their issues, you can state it back to them.

"So, you saw that he was getting positive attention (previously explained and ID), you were jealous. Instead of trying to get positive attention, too, you chose all of these (listed) behaviors that led to this negative attention and disciplines."

Now, she will say, oh, that doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't. She is now agreeing that that was the wrong pathway. Then we identify the sin that was chosen. Pride, control, fear, etc. Hopefully quickly it will lead to repentance and restoration.

Once again I am reminded that we as adults can not superimpose our frameworks from healthy histories and experience on to their perspective. It is almost always wrong. Do not plant those ideas in their heads. They will just become robotic answers handed right back to you. Ask that the Lord would reveal the truth and prompt you to go deeper when the root has not yet been found.

All Oppression Shall Cease

2011-12-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

In this holiday season, that song is stuck in my head. There is mild bullying in our home. It is nothing outrageous, but it is something I keep an eye on. I talked briefly in this post about oppression.

Bullying and manipulation of people smaller or weaker than you is oppression. I think it is best to always identify the biblical terms for the wrong doing. Certain wrong choices aren't just unkindness. They are oppression. They are red flags for me. Because the form they take coming from a little girl turn into pretty yucky and destructive actions in teenage/adult form. Mean people don't have friends. Controlling or oppressive people cause much larger collaterall damage.
For instance, when a little toddler is smacking Mommy or other kids, we are swift to come in and talk about gentle touches and how hitting is wrong. Why? because soon they will be stronger and that hit will hurt a lot more.

That's how I see oppression.

What does that look like, you ask?

RADish, out of my sight/hearing, makes a younger person do something she is capable of doing.

"you get out of your bed and get my socks that fell on the floor."

"take off your scarf and give it to me"

doing anything (taking a toy from or blaming something on, e.g.) a toddler that cannot defend or protect themselves

You get the idea. Here is why it is dangerous.

1) it gives the child control over something they do not have the authority over

2) it gives them a sense of power and temptation to try larger areas

3) it takes away power from the other child who probably does not know how to defend themselves

4) it takes advantage of the kindness of another child

It is super yucky. And not emotionally safe for anyone involved. Get to the bottom of that quickly, teach them God's perspective through Scripture, discipline/disciple always.

Getting to the Root with Smaller Kids

2011-12-23T19:08:00.000-08:00

I love love love Dawn's post from last week. I think it is super helpful to have real life examples. The healing it shows in her daughter is awesome. She has come so far and is doing so well at ID her triggers and sin! It is a testimony to Dawn's consistency. Thought I would share a moment from this last week. My daughter is much younger and isn't processing as clearly as her girlie is. It is similar defenses but my girlie doesn't know herself or her Mommy as well as Dawn's does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hubby and I are watching a show and wrapping presents. Not far from the kids room, but all seems quiet. Two hours past RADish's bedtime, she comes out, clearly having not slept yet and addresses Daddy (of course).

"Daddy, I am soooooooo itchy. I am itchy all over."

being a great dad, he hops up and looks at her skin. No rash. No fever. Hmmm, probably faking.

"I don't see anything here, honey, I think you are okay. If you need us, you can come back to us. Try and get some sleep."

She heads back to bed. We exchange the "we know that she is just trying to see all the presents and is a faker" look.

The next morning, I know we need to get to the bottom of the lie the night before.

What was up with you being itchy last night? Where were you itchy?

(changes story 2x in 5 min)

Oh, thank you for letting me know you are lying. Were you really itchy?

I was. I mean maybe. Ok no.

What was the real reason you came out of your room last night?

Well, I knew you and Daddy were doing stuff and eating a snack and watching a show. I wanted to know what movie you were watching.

Huh, you've never been curious about our shows before. What was the real reason you came out of your room last night?

Um, well, Daddy said I can have my snowglobe on. So I was going to ask him to turn it on.

Yeah, but you didn't ask. So that doesn't make sense. What was the real reason you came out of your room last night?

(this goes on and on and on and on and on and on. Depending on the level of commitment she has to her lie, I may give her a variety of disciplines or consequences because lying is never tolerated).

FINALLY, she says:

I knew we were wrapping presents and I wanted to see if any would be for me. Since I have made lots of wrong choices, I thought they were all for (her siblings).

She is then disciplined for lying about itching and we talk through why that is an inappropriate choice. (ie it is totally appropriate for kids to be excited and curious about Christmas gifts. It is however, inappropriate to lie to and manipulate your parents). It is not over until she can not only say what was sin but also repent from it (which could add hours to this). Lots of hugs, affirmation of using words and doing the hard work to move closer to us and the Lord.

There has never been one single time that I walked away thinking, "what a waste of time." It has always been worth it. The times are getting shorter and over and over she sees the fruit of making right choices and choosing to submit to the authority the Lord has placed over her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I guess the take away is at a younger age is that I usually do not acknowledge any nonsense answer or I will tell her I know why it is a lie. Then I just ask the same question over and over. I want to be careful not to give her any answers. I don't want her to say something just because she thinks it is what I want her to say and will get her out of going deeper. I want to keep her attention on dealing with the core issue and help her to identify it herself.

I don't know how much is really getting to her heart. She still seems pretty robotic in her repentance. I can't tenderize her heart. I can only pile the kindling around it and pray the Lord ignites that fire.

Never settle for the walls they put up around their hearts. It might be peace-ful but will not help them heal.

Oh, Just like Mine

2011-12-22T18:58:00.000-08:00

It really isn't until you are living it and seeing it that you know that a child with RAD is nothing like any other kid's behavioral issues. It is not strong willed or undisciplined. It is its own beast. Case in point. I am pretty sure my girlfriends' kids do not do this to their sweaters when they spill hot chocolate on themselves.

This moment was followed up the next day by my little girl's absolute astonishment that any adult ever talks to or asks help or advice from their parents. She sees me talking to my mother and in-laws, but I guess somewhere in her little head she thought she could be done with us in a few short years. Sigh.

Send Love

2011-12-21T15:20:00.000-08:00

what i mean by "digging deeper"

2011-12-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

What I mean by digging deeper. It goes something like this....

Parent: Why are you spiraling?

Child: I'm not spiraling.

Parent: Yes you are.

Child: I don't want to talk right now.

Parent: Well, that's not an option. Why do you think you're spiraling?

Child: Because he/she/it did so and so.

Parent: But you were spiraling before that. Remember earlier when such and such happened?

Child: This sucks! Just let me do my chores/homework/(code for...anything in the world other than going deeper.)

Parent: No. Your chores and your homework will be there when we are done. They are not going anywhere and neither am I. What's bothering you?

Child: I don't know.

Parent: Yes you do.

....................loooooooooooog pause.................(like an hour maybe)

Child: Well....I'm sorta upset about A.

Parent: I can see how you might be...but I don't think that's your core issue.

Child: What's my core issue then?

Parent: That's what you're trying to figure out. And, I'm trying to help you.

Child: I don't want your help.

Parent: Too bad. You got it.

..........................long pause................................( could be an hour long or longer)

Child: Well, mayyyyyyybeeeeeeeeee................... it's B.

Parent: Try again...I don't think so. Cause you were the reason B happened in the first place. You were the cause of B. Remember? We've already worked thru B.

Child: Oh yeah.

Parent: Try hard. Calm down and think about what you are feeling.

Child: I don't know what I am feeling.

Parent: Well, let's stand here talking about it together until you do. I have nothing going on that's more important than helping you figure it out.

About this point in time ( especially after you've done something similar a few dozen times) your child realizes you are not going anywhere...not budging...in it for the long haul...not moving an inch.

Eventually your child gets to a point where they can say something like this (with eye contact & authenticity)...

Child: I'm pissed off/upset about/angry/hurt/scared of this or that.

Parent: Now we're talkin'. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Then you get to work thru the issue together.

Hugs afterwards and move on.

If you've spent lots of time away from your other kids/spouse/housework etc. during this episode....you might want to have your child think of a way to make things right.

Most definitely...they should come to a place of recognition. They have been the center of attention & monopolized the household.

Hopefully repentance & forgiveness follows.

And, then restoration.

Reminder:

There is not an easy fix.

I talked about this same thing a while back. You can see that post here.

Dig Deeper

2011-12-17T18:28:00.000-08:00

HUGE growth over here. Praising the Lord for authentic and transparent communication.

Here is my advice.......do not settle for the easy answer. The robotic answer. The one without eye contact.

Always go deeper.

Dig. Dig Dig.

Even if it exhausts you. And him/her.

Dig deeper.

For hours on end if necessary.

Day after day if necessary.

Search for and find the heart of the trouble.

Honor the red flags given to you by the Lord. They are His whispers.

If you do not feel as if the core issue has been addressed...it probably hasn't been.

And then....not to be obvious...but.......how can it be rooted out...if it hasn't even been identified?

Social Workers.

2011-12-11T11:00:00.000-08:00

Just out of curiosity, how many of you feel your social worker knows about RAD, understands RAD, equipped you for RAD, etc?

Reply anonymously if you'd like.

Choose Your Words Carefully

2011-12-09T18:13:00.000-08:00

RADish's do not process language the same way typically developing healthy brains do. You actually have to think about the words you use and how they can be interpreted. Here are a couple of examples.

When a child has done something wrong, do not let any child or adult say "it's okay." This is true of all believers and conflict resolution but especially true of kids struggling with attachment. It is anything but okay. When they have damaged relationships and sinned against others, they need to be told "I forgive you" not "it's okay." As you help the child learn, accompany them on reconciliation moments. If the injured party says it's okay, gently correct them and say, "No, Bobby, it was not okay. Do you forgive her, though?" I have actually seen rages happen when verbiage is changed. They've lost control over the person.

Another that I am acutely aware of lately is saying "I'm sorry?" when I don't hear my daughter. She is quite purposeful in mumbling and whispering when she speaks to me. Saying "I'm sorry" may seem polite in other situations, but here, however, it is misleading. I am not sorry for her actions. I am not sorry that she is mumbling and trying to push me away with her words. I am not sorry that she is trying to control me by getting me to say, "What? What did you say?" I've started ignoring her. I told her calmly and kindly that she needs to speak to me in a clear, big girl voice. When I do slip and say something like "I'm sorry?" to her mumbling, I will stop and say, "Oops, I shouldn't have said that. I say I'm sorry when I have sinned. I have not sinned here. If you have something to tell mommy, I want to hear it!! :) But you must speak clearly and in a big girl voice!"

Little things that I would have never thought I would have to think through as a parent, but have been helpful in shepherding her heart.

Remember, every day is a day closer to healing. It does get better. Slowly. And yes, I am telling myself that tonight.

Stress in Every Corner

2011-12-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

I am laying back in an awkward chair with goofy red tinted glasses on.

"I need you to sit up, look at me and listen carefully to my words."

Oh, great, I have cancer or something.

"There is too much stress in your life. It is too intense. I need you to take one minute out of your morning and one minute out of your evening to focus on yourself. Literally one minute. You can carve out one minute. Be gentle with yourself. Do not think about anything else. For one minute. Is there any way you can reduce the stress?"

hahahahhahahahaha. Nope. Sorry lady. Probably not going to happen.

"I'll do my best."

"Ok, because if this intensity and wear continue, I will have to send you to an oral surgeon."

This was the interaction I had yesterday with the dentist I had met for the very first time 7 minutes earlier. She can tell by the way I am brushing that I have worn off the enamel of one of my teeth. I can't believe it. This is not the first time I have had a doctor suggest I reduce the amount of stress in my life. Not easy when it's in your home. :( I had to chuckle to myself, though, because here I am worried about RAD ruining the CHRISTmas season. It was that gentle reminder that it really does seep into every inch of your life. It takes intentional, active decisions to prevent the constant struggles and behavioral issues to become idols, to break other relationships and to eat away at your health. It's not easy, but can be done. We've put some good safe guards in place. My teeth, however, were not on my radar. ;)

Home-Education

2011-12-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

Home-education was the right choice for our family. Nothing like having the kids around all day long every day..to reveal problem areas. In their hearts and ours.

Especially good for kids coming home thru adoption...at least in our case it has been.

Oh the hours of togetherness we would have lost over the years. Bonding time.

We are currently doing a Bible Study of Stepping Heavenward. Great for girls. It's taken forever to get past Chapter 2 though......because there's so much amazing info being revealed layer by layer.

We move on to Chapter 3 with this Biblical truth. If we are in Christ...then we are all adopted!!!!!!!!!!!!

Celebrate Adoption!

Peace in the Season

2011-12-06T22:25:00.001-08:00

So, it's day six of advent. Anyone else screaming into pillows yet? Why does RAD ruin EVERYTHING? I have kept my cool---most of the time ;) but it is getting a little crazy around here. I hate that there is constant tension all day long, especially during this season where I want traditions and peace to abound. And nothing ever makes sense. Their little minds are all twisted and awkward. Last night, for instance, I was going to let the kids stay up late (I know, bad idea to push a RADish) to watch a movie and have hot cocoa. Totally fun, right? But the sabotage queen must come out. Fun, joy, peace, family time, snuggles. They are like hot buttons for a RADish to have a total meltdown. I keep thinking at some point she will let the good in and enjoy us on some level. Not yet, clearly.

I make everyone hot cocoa, put on the movie and then go to put the baby down for the night. While I am gone, of course, conflict arises. While one sibling was in the restroom RADish drinks said sibling's cocoa. Now, most people would think, "oh that's just a mean-typical-kid-thing." Here's why it's not typical. Once you dig deeper into the thought process behind the emotion behind the action, you find things aren't close to being typical. Their entire worldview and framework from which they operate under needs to be altered. It is deeply rooted in entitlement, self protection, and a desire to control others.

It is not okay. I hate bullying/unkindness of any kind. Oppression is always disciplined. A desire to be the idol of our home is always disciplined.

Here is what RADish said. "I saw that when you gave us our cups, she (sister) was disappointed because we had more in our cups than she did. She was already ungrateful and sad, so I drank hers to discipline her." WHAT?! So, you know you have more and that your sister is sad and that she didn't complain even though she was disappointed and you decide to be the boss of her and steal her blessing and have more of what you already had more of?!

(Insert me banging my head against a wall here)!! So, here's my question for you. We have a loooooong time til CHRISTmas. How are you maintaining peace and joy for your other children this season? Me, I took my other kids on a date the next night. Just us. Dinner, hot cocoa, book store browsing. It was AMAZING. Great conversation, lots of giggles, lots of fun. It reminded me how fun being a mom is and how much I truly enjoy my kids. It was just the break I needed. . . that I need more of. :) How are you intentional about the season with attachment issues in your home?

Brie Heart

2011-12-04T10:09:00.001-08:00

Jolie Pitt

2011-11-28T19:12:00.000-08:00

Pure speculation. Do you think they have a crazy attachment challenged household?

Giveaway WINNER!!!!

2011-11-22T12:46:00.000-08:00

And the winner is.......Beckie Joie!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Send your address to our e-mail and we'll mail your hand-made heart ornament right away.

CUHRAAAZY RAD video

2011-11-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

At the Together for Adoption Conference, they showed several adoption story videos. They were all . . . . sweet. They were the calls on couples hearts, the first honeymoon days/months. It was all warm, fuzzy, rainbow kind of videos.

That is wonderful. It is real. It is true. I have a couple of them myself. First meeting the girls, our trips to Haiti, welcoming them home. Amazing.

As I watched each one that weekend, though, I thought, oh, boy, this is not the whole story. It's kind of like turning off Old Yeller before Travis kills the dog. (I am NOT comparing anyone to old yeller, but I do think the shock some parents feel when the reality of attachment issues comes is like this). Or if your mom said giving birth was all sweetness and fun and didn't hurt at all.

Not quite the whole story.

These kids, even the babies, are coming from rough starts. It is not always easy to parent them. They are brave, resilient, amazing fighters. But not always easy to parent. We need some large scale forum to talk about those realities and the hard work it takes to agape-love them. That the phileo love isn't always instant.

I was talking to another trauma-momma at the conference. She is in the thick of it. Hurting. Clinging to Jesus to be filled up, every hour, let alone every day. We started talking about the videos. We were crying with tears of laughter at what it should look like to really prepare communities and families. But how do you share the reality in a god-honoring, child-honoring way? I haven't figured that part out yet.

I think people need a video that shows a child foaming at the mouth because she has "forgotten" how to spell her name or a child raging because you asked her which shirt she wanted to wear today or had a mom saying "if you have an accident, mommy will help clean you up, but if you pee on purpose, you will clean it up." or "you are not the idol in our home and we worship the Lord and we ARE going to church. if you are not dressed, you will be in your pajamas. i suggest you stop screaming and get to it."

I want a video of a mom dealing with behaviors all day long and her face falling as she tries not to cry when the child bounds into Daddy's arms with a big smile and hug when he comes home. I want to see a mom glazed over from the day in and day out stress. The constant dripping of behaviors that no one could have prepared you for. The truth that more kids will struggle than not.

I want a video with all this and the couple saying AND yet, God does not leave me when I don't trust Him or obey Him. God is faithful and so we will be faithful. We believe God can heal her heart. That He can work a miracle where sin has left wounds. We believe He is a God of reconciliation and redemption. We believe our child is not beyond His reach. And so we press on, knowing He will give us the strength and grace and wisdom for tomorrows worries and that every day is a day closer to healing.

I don't WANT a video like this, but I do want a video like this. Ya know? If I could get kids to play my kids so as to protect my kids and their journeys, I would make this video.

Hold On

2011-11-20T00:16:00.001-08:00

I know it is not always always always true that things will get better. We live in a harsh fallen world. But sometimes it is true.....so you MUST hold on to hope. In our case....my case specifically....speaking as a mom....I'm realizing how hardened I have allowed myself to become. How jaded I have grown. How wounded I am. How awful I am.

It's not 1/2 as bad as I thought it might be. I'm a wretch.

I allowed our history to dictate our future which has not wound up to be our present.

I'm in shock and thankful during this season of Thanksgiving.

Thank YOU, Lord for growth.

Thanksgiving Give Away

2011-11-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

Adoption Related: What are you most thankful for?

Thanksgiving Giveaway. Leave your comments here by 12 PM EST Thursday the 24th of November 2011 and we will have a drawing to see who wins this handmade w/ love Attaching Hearts Heart.

Proverbs 3:5

Co-Sleep & Baby Wearing

2011-11-19T07:55:00.000-08:00

Keep your little babies as close as possible. Train them to sleep in a wrap, sling or carrier on you. Some babies that struggle may resist this, but it is so good for them. Let them sleep on you, hear your heartbeat, feel your calm breathing, smell your skin.

And guess what? It is good for you!! It changes YOUR brain chemistry. It actually helps you bond with your baby and want to meet her needs.

Now, this next part is not for those of you that are super hippies like Dawn. But if you are more like me and don't walk around nekkie, listen up. At least once a day (besides co-bathing), where you take off your shirt. Put on your Moby, baby into just a diaper and in your wrap and rest. Read a good book or something quiet. Be calm. Skin to skin sleeping is even better!!

Then as your children, especially your girls, grow, point out all the mommas that are doing "attachment" activities with their newborns---breast feeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, eye contact, cooing, etc. Talk about how WONDERFUL those things are and what good mommas they are. Because before you can blink, your RADish daughters will be adults. Adult female women in relationships and pregnant. A wounded child's heart that is not completely healed needs every strategy and all wisdom to know how to connect with their babies and be good, attentive mommas.

Wear those babies and sleep with them, too!

Co-Sleeping in the Family Bed

2011-11-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

Dawn and I were both shocked and dismayed by this article. It is so ridiculous. Do accidents happen. Sure. All the time. But these ideas are very western and modern. Co-sleeping is a beautiful thing. I don't know if I have posted here about my love of co-sleeping, but it's worth repeating. Children with trauma backgrounds and/or struggling with attachment will have a very hard time with the normalcy of the parents bed. Unlike "typically" developing peers that run to it in the middle of the night or when sick for comfort, RADishes run from it. Or they are painfully---literally---awkward. (They alone are the ones that injure others in the bed).

They need this snuggle time, even if it's only once in awhile. I heard a lecture years ago (wish I could remember where to link to. Sorry!!) but it was the scientific research on the breathing and heart rate patterns of children and mothers while co-sleeping. While asleep (IE unconscious), a child's body learns to regulate and mimic their mother's sleeping body. They learn how to calm themselves while sleeping. The study said that the sleeping hours are the most unused time of connection and regulation for traumatized kids. With three children, it was hard to get in lots of "therapeutic" time with each of them. I rotated a child in my bed and two on my floor for the first 10 months that they were home. 10 months was my limit. I started to become a bit claustrophobic after that, and we began to transition them into their beds.

Now, for some, the awkwardness or even the fear from the child may make co-sleeping a nightmare. Try just snuggling or reading a book. Clothes, even shoes, on. Work up to longer periods. A rest time. Maybe even a nap. Make your bed a safe place. It is best for them and most certainly should never be compared to them sleeping with a hatchet!

Whoa! Co-Sleeping in the News

2011-11-16T19:07:00.001-08:00

Co-Sleeping in the news.

For the record. . . .we are both co-sleepers and encourage parents to co-sleep for attachment. Obviously....be safe about it.

I Was Wrong

2011-11-16T16:56:00.000-08:00

I thought that when my husband lost his job and we told her it was time to move...that I would be thrown into RAD HELL.

I was wrong.

I thought that when we moved out of state...away from family, friends, our backyard view, our Sunday School class, our home-educating co-op, our favorite librarian...most of what was safe and secure and familiar...then for sure I would be thrown into RAD HELL.

I was wrong.

I thought that arriving in a new place...with boxes to unpack, a lot of anxiety, & practically zero connections and no real plan to speak of....well then that there would be the very thing that would cause the straw to break on the camel's back and I would be thrown into RAD HELL.

I was wrong.

I thought that the stress of her leaving old friends and meeting new friends would most definitely spiral me into RAD HELL.

I was wrong.

I thought that leaving behind a beloved Math Tutor at the very moment Geometry was entering our lives...would be the death of me for SURE. A slow painful TORTURED DAILY in RAD HELL sort of death.

I was wrong.

Girlie has handled the turning upside down of the only world she has ever known since arriving in the states all those many years ago in a lovely manner.

She's got big feelings. As do we all. She's identifying her feelings and talking about her feelings.

She's brave.

I was so wrong. So wrong about her.

And another thing....did you notice how I thought I would be in RAD HELL? ME. Me. Me. And Dad. And the siblings. To be sure.

This stuff affects the entire family. Everyone struggles.

For a long time...that was why I was so angry.

At her.

But really, I was angry w/the Lord for allowing this difficulty. In her life. In our lives.

Gotta make peace with the Lord. He is a loving Father. He is sovereign. And he reigns.

Things haven't been super smooth...don't get me wrong. But it's no where as bad as my previous experiences told me it would be.

Lesson: Do not live in the past. Live life now and hope for a better tomorrow.

Vacation

2011-11-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

Hi again. I'm back to blogging about RAD related stuff.

Needed a break.

Which reminds me. Do yourselves a favor and take a vacation from RAD related issues every now and then. An intentional break.

Refuse to talk about it.

Don't read about it.

Don't visit RAD blogs.

Never you mind the research. It isn't going anywhere.

Don't panic.

Do not fear.

Focus on all things lovely.

Whether it be for an afternoon...a week-end...a week...or longer...choose to be silent re; all things RAD related.

Laugh with your spouse. Hold hands.

Be with your children...the ones who want to be with you.

Be there for the one/s who don't...but choose to dethrone them. In love.

Listen to the Lord's whispers during this intentional time of silence. Allow Him to refresh you.

Vacations don't last forever...as we all know.

We are in this for the long haul. Let's pace ourselves accordingly, Parents.

Vine Heart

2011-11-16T11:06:00.001-08:00

Cheesey Heart

2011-11-16T10:59:00.001-08:00

You are the One

2011-10-31T23:29:00.000-07:00

This is hard. It feels impossible at times. But you are the one God chose to be his/her mommy. At every turn it can feel like she does better for every other person in your life but you. She does. An overly helpful, charming, dollbaby for others and hard, grumpy, dishonoring, disobedient and manipulative with you. Incident after incident of others perceiving her to be angelic and that nothing could possibly be wrong with her, leaves you broken. It is disheartening and the temptation creeps in. . .

maybe she would do better with someone else.

maybe it's me

maybe she just doesn't like me

maybe if XX was her mom, she would be happy

BUT those are lies. It is your love and intimacy that feel threatening to her. Your love literally overwhelms her. It is too close and you have seen all her tells. You can call her out on her stuff. It is scary and vulnerable for her.

If she went somewhere else, she would be okay for awhile. Then the honeymoon would be over and her behaviors would show. The next "mom" would feel helpless too.

It isn't you.

You did not make her a sinner.

You did not put these wounds on her heart.

BUT you were called. God decided that you would be the best mom to her. With all of your short comings and failures. He would use you to minister to this child. He would use you to show this child a glimpse of His love. He would use this child to grow and shape you into Jesus. He would use this child to draw you closer to His heart and help you attach to Him.

So put away those lies. You are in a covenant with her. It is forever. He will equip you for the task He's called you to. He loves you both more than you can imagine. He is in the business of restoration, reconciliation and healing. It does get better.

Together for Adoption

2011-10-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

Were any of you lovies at the Together for Adoption conference this weekend? Any thoughts?

Meet the Robinsons

2011-09-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

What was your take on this movie? I know there was great debate in the adoption world when this came out. I guess in the end, it comes down to what your child's history is and how you interpret that for them through a biblical worldview. We love this movie. It is a favorite choice from our DVD library.

My girlie came home as an preschooler. She was acutely aware of other children (usually babies) being adopted before her. She was the odd one out in the orphanage clicks. She felt awkward, unwanted and like a Mommy might never come for her. She totally relates to Lewis in this. We have had wonderful conversations all from this movie including:

having to wait on God (both Lewis and his parents),

feeling like valleys will never end,

feeling sad and not turning to God for comfort,

God having a plan for each child's future,

God creating families on purpose,

being uniquely gifted,

forgiveness,

regret,

bitterness,

providence,

choosing to or not to meet his birthmother

waiting children.

Beautiful film. Love it.

And yes, I cry every single time the boys go home with their parents. Every time.

Lilo & Stitch

2011-08-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

Another great conversation starter:

Why are the sisters yelling?

What are Lilo's big feelings?

What do you think she wants?

Do you think she wants her sister to be her authority? Who was she missing?

Lilo chose sin with her big feelings. That is not the right choice when we have big feelings. It is okay to be sad and miss people we love. It is never ok to choose sin. What could she have done instead?

Stitch also needed a family. How did Lilo help Stitch?

Bad Case of Stripes

2011-08-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

A huge part of attachment disorder is not knowing their own hearts. I don't know about your kiddo, by mine will choose food she doesn't like, clothes she doesn't want to wear, activities she doesn't like, and on and on. What is that? Fear of being wrong and therefore rejected, control of parents' time/energy/focus, too busy focused on surviving to think about anything else. I don't know what the core is or if it changes for my RADish. But it is incessant. Questions like, what do you want? or did you like it? are often met with robotic answers or copying the child that answered near her.

This week, we got our children pets. Our threshold right now with a baby in the house, is limited to beta fish. We got home, got them in their containers and then needed to name them. It took girlie FOR. EVER. to choose because we made her choose hers first. No opportunity to copy. Taking waaayyyy too long, her siblings couldn't wait any longer and chose names. RADish chooses a name in the same manner. (e.g. one chooses a name from a movie, she chooses a name from a movie. one chooses a friend's name. she chooses a friend's name. etc) After much encouragement and not letting her copy them, she finally chose a name. We all agreed it was a great choice.

That night, I pulled out this book:

Love this. She totally got it. Without me saying anything, she said, I do that all the time. A great discussion starter!

Back to School

2011-08-22T12:38:00.001-07:00

Here come the triggers of school. I thought things were going well. Then I remembered that summer is filled with many days of freedom. School brings back those long days chocked full of resisting the "you need to do this, please" with controlling behaviors.

After catching her making a the NASTIEST face ever at me, I started asking lots of questions trying to get to the bottom of things. Finally, she replied,
"Oh, sometimes, I just like to think about how disgusting you are, mom."

Oh crazies, welcome back. I'd love to say I've missed you, but the twitching keeps me from that.

It then took another hour to get to the bottom of sin and deal with it. But hey, at least it was an hour and not a week. Healing! :)

Happy back to school, folks. Just remember, you are not alone. We love you. Jesus loves you and He will equip you for this school year.

Church Bathroom Toilet Paper Heart

2011-07-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

Social Media

2011-07-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

Great article.

Birth parents should not be contacting underage children.

I'm pretty sure that birth parent initiated social media contact is a poor choice all the way around ...no matter the age.

Marriage

2011-06-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

WAR on RAD battle #3-safe guard your marriage. We've talked about this before, but I cannot stress it enough. There has to be something there when they move out. Carve out time to be alone together no matter what. And no movies. No screens. Be face to face. Spend 15 minutes decompressing about RAD and then no more. Talk about dreams and goals and sweet memories. Affirm to each other your fear of God. I am not kidding. Seriously say out loud that you love Jesus and no matter what happens you will always obey. . .hat you will choose to work it out and stay married. The verbalization is good for you and good for the heart of your spouse.

I am not suggesting apathy towards RAD. . . I'm suggesting a direct focus of importance. Nothing else can have your attention if the primary earthly relationship is not being nurtured. You need time to laugh and rest and say "this matters." I know it's hard. I know sitters are horrible. I know you will pay for it tomorrow. But something happens when you are connected and have laughed together. You are better equipped to handle the cuh-RAZ-eeeeee that is sure to come. That would come if you went out or didn't.

Family Meetings

2011-06-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

We were in a bit of stand still. Something had been revealed about the RADish. We didn't want to tell her outright but I also didn't know when it happened. I quickly realized she had done a slew of things recently and she didn't know what I was talking about. So how do I root out the issue while protecting the child that revealed it? I was afraid coming out and saying so-in-so said xyz, RADish would then use that as reason for anger and manipulation of so-in-so.

Dawn, being the ever fabulous sounding board/sanity maintainer, shared something invaluable from her daughter's healing. Family meetings. Sort of like your typical family meetings but with a different intent.

Here the family is gathered together and told that family meetings are a safe place to share anything that has been weighing on your heart. So, in the latest battle in the War on RAD, we did just that. We began by acknowledging that things have been more than stressful in the house and that we see a lot of individual conversations happening but things aren't really resolving. So, Daddy and Mommy thought it was best for all of us to share together in a safe place. Then we can all know what is going on, hold each other accountable and help root out sin from our family. (this makes a lot of sense to them right now because we are reading Numbers, God's holiness and removing sin from the camps of Israel). This way we can all help each other's hearts get bigger, trust Mommy and Daddy and be safe.

We said is there anything anyone would like to share? Has anyone said anything or done anything that hurt you or upset you? Oh, the flood gates. :( from all of my kids. It didn't start with the offense that started this, but that did come out. They have been carrying so much in their little hearts as we just go about life. It allowed them to confront the one that hurt them. If they stated it to us, we had them restate it directly to the person. X, it really made me feel scared when you ABC. We did not request repentance, but rather said something like, "That is horrible." or "I am so sorry you were carrying that in your heart for so long." If they weren't sure how to articulate it directly, we helped them form their sentences. This was especially important for our peacemaker who just wants to act like the stress in her life is okay and it will all be okay.

It allowed the verbal ones a calm place to articulate hurt without sarcasm or unkind tones. It allowed the peacemaking, quieter ones a quiet place of safety to share things they have been hiding or placating.

It was interesting because instantly we could see where the relational ties were and where deep wounds were lying. When someone stated their pain to another and there was a connection, the latter immediately repented and sought to make it right. If there wasn't, the response was more like, "uh-huh, yeah, I did that." with a deadpan face.

Eventually there was repentance and reconciliation all around. New words and strategies for when these situations arise again. All of the children said it was a great idea and made everyone feel protected and loved.

Most importantly, everything was out in the open. RADish couldn't manipulate, twist or oppress anyone after being "caught."

Yep, Dawn's brilliant.

WAR on RAD

2011-06-24T14:16:00.001-07:00

I haven't been sleeping lately. Our home is a mess of tension and stress. My PTSD girlie has been in a spiral and my RADish is in a full regression. Ok, not full, because God help us if we go back to the way things were when she first came home. But we are pretty close. I was laying in bed last night praying and I woke this morning with a new resolve. A quiet, firm whisper in my heart.

I am declaring WAR on RAD! Now, hear me. I am not declaring war on my child. But on RAD and what it is doing----what we've let it done--in our home and to our family. RAD is like a fortress around my daughter's heart. She loves her fortress and she will do anything, including sin against the people around her to not only stay in that fortress but to protect it. To protect the safety she thinks it is.

What her Daddy and I know, though, is that it is a prison. It is a cheap, less than second rate version of safety. It is isolating and troubling and full of horrible things. She won't be able to flourish until the fortress is destroyed.

With that visual, I instantly thought of things I need to do or change to get my game face on, so to speak.

Number one top priority: Get the whole family involved.

In our home, we haven't stressed the label of RAD. We talked about it once and for weeks she would play victim to her history and not take responsibility for her actions. So we talk about her actions and feelings and heart. It seems to work well.

We got the whole family on board in helping sister's heart grow. Sister's heart is very small right now (or balloon analogy or something) but we know that it can get big and strong. Sometimes she thinks that she needs to choose sin and try and be in control. The best way you can help her is to use your words to tell her how you feel and not hide any wrong choices from Mommy. We need to know what's going on to make sure everyone is safe and to help everyone get stronger and healthier.

We are acknowledging that there is tension verbally, having everyone combat the sin in our home and giving those that are weaker in the home a voice. We cannot survive our days with RAD and be alive at the end of it. We have to improve, get healthier and strive to be a unit no matter how hard RAD tries to divide us.

War on RAD--everyone knows their words and actions to deal with behaviors from RAD

RADtastic normal we never thought we'd live---tattling is not only okay, it is encouraged.

Why I Don't Like My Child

2011-06-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Interesting article / story.

Mint Chocolate Chip Drip on Marble Slab

2011-06-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

Breast Feeding

2011-05-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a good article on breastfeeding.

The vast majority of Moms' w/daughters struggling w/RAD have not breastfed their girls. We should be encouraging our daughters to breastfeed their own children in the future though and supporting them when they do so. Anything to help them bond deeply w/their babies.

Playdate

2011-05-10T13:21:00.001-07:00

Hi friends!! Sorry we've been MIA lately. We are super busy with stuff in our individual families. We'll get back to the conversation we started in--YIKES!!-March but today, we wanted to let you know about a playdate TOMORROW. If you are in our area, please email us at attachinghearts at yahoo dot com for details.
:)

Define Love-repost

2011-03-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

I want to post about how I deal with some of the stuff that I talked about yesterday. But first, I thought it would be really great to repost a transparent and thought provoking post Dawn wrote in 2009. Go check it out.

Aw, Thanks.

2011-03-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in an relationship or seen a relationship in film that is unbalanced? Instantly I think of the episode of Friends where Monica encourages Ross to tell Emily that he loves her. He races to the airport, bears his heart and her response is "aw, thank you." There is something so sad when we see that. There is a lack of reciprocity. There might be many aspects to the relationship, different types of love, but there is something unbalanced in their affection. Lacking a phileo love. One enjoys the other and time with the other more than the other. One wants to go deeper and spend time together more than the other. That is my every day experience right now. It is filled with backwards or side hugs. I would say we are averaging about 4x a day where I say, "I love you, honey."

"Yeah, I know."
"Thanks."
"uh-huh."
"Every day you say that."

That awkward pause and dejected face screenwriters write into scripts for these moments, I feel. I think, "Uhhhhh, good night this is awkward. I wonder when or if this will ever change." I do have to say it is better than empty words. At least she's honest and not spewing hatred.

Hugs, Kisses and RAD!

2011-03-09T11:04:00.000-08:00

I loved this post from Courtney. We must be a student of our kids and get to the heart of their motivations. Using the word Mommy or giving a hug or being polite does not mean they are healthy and attaching. Sometimes I think the fear of a label or dealing with the reality of loss in our kids' lives or how accepting the possibility/reality of the situation makes us stop short of analyzing our children and their behavior. I totally understand. But don't let fear control you. It will only lead to bigger issues. Courtney's post is concise, with hope and healthy boundaries. Go check it out.

Checklist

2011-02-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

I came across this checklist and thought it was a good one.

WINNER

2011-02-10T15:22:00.000-08:00

Using Random.org, here is our winner!!!

Anonymous "K" please email me with your address at attachinghearts@yahoo.com :)

Here are your random numbers:

Timestamp: 2011-02-10 23:24:50 UTC

Last Chance

2011-02-09T14:32:00.000-08:00

Enter today for our drawing. I'll pick the winner tomorrow a.m.! Click on this post to enter. :)

Drawing

2011-02-03T14:28:00.000-08:00

Don't forget to enter to win our Valentine's Day love! To enter, comment on the original post: here

and more triggers....

2011-01-30T14:06:00.000-08:00

Well, just after I got off the computer with you...I was handed a note by Girlie. She said she was sorry, kissed me, hugged me tight, and went to bed.

I was tired ...but truthfully, not too tired to read it right then and there. I did not read it.

Part of me was in self protection mode, I think. I do that sometimes. Delaying the revelation of what could turn out to be baloney until I am ready for another round.

I awoke this morning to my husband asking, "Did you read the note?"

There was no way I could put it off any longer.

I was right re: my educated trigger guesses. Both triggers were articulated. Clearly, transparently and with emotion.

There was another trigger though that I hadn't picked up on. Smack in the middle of all the frightening things we went through over here recently...Girlie had a check-up at the dentist. Our usual dentist knows her history well but wasn't there that day. Instead, we got a sweet, personable, funny older guy.

Dental road maps are very telling to those who know how to read them. He was obviously alerted...and perplexed to find evidences of...(insert confused look on dear doctor's face while he tries to put the puzzle pieces together)...

I jumped n and saved him.

"Girlie has a history of malnutrition."

The light bulb clicked on. His face registered understanding as he continued with the delicate conversation...fumbling here and there...but doing a great job overall.

Girlie did great too. She explained a bit about her history and some of her dental related insecurities.

I told her I was proud of her. She smiled and we left with no cavities!

Well, 10 days or so later...she lets me know in the note that she is bothered by her malnutrition, embarrassed about it's lasting effects and upset with the whole crappy circumstance in general.
_________________________

Always...but especially when the spirals come...dig deep. Get them to articulate what's going on. If you cannot get then to say it out loud...give them opportunities to write or draw what is going on in their hearts and minds. And, be patient. It may take a while.

Triggers

2011-01-29T18:24:00.000-08:00

We've had a bit of a setback over here. Girlie has been in a prettymuchalldayeverydaydownwardspiralwithoutmuchofabreak for approx two weeks now. I know what the triggerS were. That's at least helpful.
_____________________

Trigger #1 Baby sister had 2 out of the clear blue sky, very frightening seizure like episodes an...an er visit...and another hospital visit to see a neurologist.

Girlie did her best to put on a brave face...but just before entering the hospital room to see her sister...her voice cracked and she trembled, "Mom, I'm afraid...I want her to be okay." There wasn't time for a cuddle. I smiled and told her to be brave. She was as she entered the room and gave a kiss trying not to stare obviously at the IV which I know FREAKED her out.

Trigger #2 I...me...Mom...almost choked to death on a piece of roasted cauliflower. Girlie called 911 while Dad did the Heimlich.

After I was breathing again...we had a bit of a private cry together. She cried and cried and cried..."Mom, what would I ever do without you?"
__________________________

She hasn't mentioned either incident since...but her behaviors are screaming, "I'm AFRAID!"

Over the years, I've seen time and time again that the spirals don't end until there is a verbalization on her part of the triggers.

She verbalized in the moments...which is huge and fabulous and great for her. There was a time when she would've lost eye contact & laughed out loud or tried very hard whilst failing to hide smiles/smirks during way inappropriate moments.

btw those smiles/smirks are so hurtful and drove me up the wall.

Identifying core issues is something Girlie has gotten very good at. We've practiced getting to the root of things and verbalizing what's discovered below the surface of circumstances for years now ....and she can usually put her finger on what's troubling her rather quickly. Lots of intervention from the Lord. Lots of intentional parenting. Lots of hard work on her part. Lots of growth.

She's totally twisted herself into a knot right now though...and can't seem to find her way out of the mess.

I try to keep my cool and offer hints like..."Gee...what do you thing your core issue is because obviously there is one?" ... or.... "Boy oh boy, it seems like you are having a difficult time. What do you think that might be all about?"...or.... "Wowsie, those seem like some pretty big feelings. What are they?"

She's working on it. It's not easy for some to realize that they love others. They might be able to say it...but to actually feel it...well, that's just frightening.

Big triggers for a healing heart.

Love from Us

2011-01-25T14:28:00.000-08:00

As Valentine's Day approaches, my heart is saddened by the lack of natural affection between my daughter and me. I LONG for that connection and for her trust. But sometimes, I have to be content with that "normalcy" coming from my hubby, other kiddos and girlfriends. I want to add to that affection for you this month. How about some Valentine's Day love for you???? A little hug from us. :) I hope this is something that will bless your heart AND give you a little something to enjoy with your RADaling! If your RADish is past this age emotionally, then you'll have a little something to re-gift. :)

The gift is JJ Heller's New Album, When I'm with You.

It is delightful! And her heart is even sweeter. I love when supporting artists also can bless others. The title song has been a sweet prayer for me to God lately. A phileo love prayer for one day with my RADish.

I also love the 5th song. It is JJ's song to her daughter based on the Runaway Bunny. So with your CD, you'll get a copy of the Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown. A sweet reminder that you will pursue your sugarlump no matter how far they try and roam--physically or mentally.

SOOOO, to enter, just leave a comment on this post. We know full well that many of you share anonymously here. That is okay. You don't need to put your real name here. Just know that you will have to give me (via email) a real address or PO to receive your gift. :)

Drawing will be Thursday, February 10th at 9a.m. PST

Nap 'Em

2011-01-24T13:42:00.000-08:00

How old is your child? Remember, you need to ID all four ages: chronological age, physical age (gross and fine motor), cognitive age (where they are academically) and emotional age.

The last is the one that I've been thinking about all day. It impacts our attachment healing more than anything else. We take them back through stages they've missed, we give them extra room to process and we let them play with toys that are immature for them.

But what about when it comes to schedules? If your 7 or 9 or 11 year old is only 3 emotionally, what can they handle? What is their "limit?" I think often we want them to push them to be doing things their peers are doing (e.g. youth group, team sports, etc.) However, for most of us, if we had a little three year old in our care, we wouldn't be scrambling around trying to get them into school or into soccer or piano lessons. I know for me I would say those things will come. We have plenty of time for those things. AND those things aren't necessary. We don't need to be doing XX just because the Jones' are. We need to do what is best for our family and what God is calling us to.

We also needed to look at the rest of our RADish's schedule beyond extracurricular activities. Healing is super hard work. It is EXHAUSTING. It is completely draining. By 2:00, my little RADish is done. She needs to be away from everyone. She needs rest. She needs to be in a quiet, darkened room and rest. Some days she doesn't, but almost everyday she falls asleep. Just like a preschooler. On the days that she doesn't get that break, she is a mess and she doesn't sleep as well at night. I know there are some that say you need to limit a rest time or not give it at all because being alone is not good for them. I can totally see that for a kid that is away from you at school, you need to use the few waking hours you have together.

For our little one, I couldn't succumb to what other people thought of a child "her age" taking a nap. I know it is what her little heart needs to recharge. She gets a break from the hard work of healing and usually is more regulated for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

Each kid is different, but if you have one like mine, she may need you to slow things waaaay down. How much she can take--especially during a spiral---may be completely dictated by her emotional age. Remember, this is the most out of the box thinking and parenting you will ever experience. If it seems weird or awkward or backwards, it's probably dead on. :P

Hang in their friends!

Not Alone

2011-01-21T08:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but having a child with a disability that manifests itself in a textbook fashion is comforting to me. It does make me feel less crazy when I hear from Dawn that she is walking through almost the exact same thing at the same time. (Both our girls on the same day "forgot" how to do aspects of their lessons that they have mastered long ago). I can hang up the phone, take a deep breath and know that it's not my parenting. THIS is what a child with a broken spirit looks like. Sooo, I thought, if you don't have a Dawn ;) then maybe hearing a bit of ONE of my days would help you feel less crazy:

When she didn't get to skip a part in a lesson she didn't want to do, she went ahead 10 pages without doing the parts she didn't want to do. When told she would then erase the pages she didn't do in an honoring way, she literally took 1.5 hours to erase the pages.

she has impeccable hand writing. all day she wrote all of her capitol letters backwards

she forgot how to read and spent 20 minutes painfully trying to sound out the impossible word "turtle"

She put all of the laundry away in the wrong drawers

She wore winter boots with a sundress

When asked why she came out of her room in the morning, made eye contact with me and turned around and went back to her bed, she very seriously said, "I just don't want to be with you. I heard someone and thought it was Daddy. When I saw it was YOU, I went back to bed."
(mmmmm, that one is super. it feels all warm and fuzzy)

A scary thing happened to a friend last weekend. Not immediately, but hours after hearing about it, she smacked her sister in the face with a toy. Mind you she is not a toddler.

When she does eat, she drops food on the table or lets it fall out of her mouth. Because, don't you know it is super hard to keep food in your mouth while you're chewing.

and on and on and on

As we say on the sidebar, you probably aren't crazy. This child is wounded and petrified. God has placed the child in your family on purpose and for a purpose. YOU are the Mom God wants for this baby.

Labels

2011-01-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

My RADish is early elementary age and we've just started talking to her this week about attachment disorder. I think it came mostly from her leading. She kept saying "I don't know why I'm choosing this sin/behavior/to push you away!!" I don't like labels but I also don't want to shy away from giving hard things names either.

Have you told your kids about their attachment disorder and/or the other "labels" they are struggling with? If not, was there a particular reason why? If so, did having this information help in the healing process? How old was your child when you told them? I'd love to hear about other moms' experiences and the words they used to communicate value, preciousness to their child as well as honor to early experiences/people that you don't intimately know.

Upswings?

2011-01-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

How are your coming out of Christmas spirals coming? Last year it was about mid February. It seems to be much sooner this year with less intense behaviors. Just thinking about you guys this morning and wanting you to know you aren't alone.

Santa Thoughts

2010-12-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

I was going to post this in the comments, but thought we could add it to the discussion as it's own post. I know I have written somewhere about Santa, but it's always a good conversation this holiday season. Here is a great article on how to explain Santa. It is how both Dawn and I explain it to our kids. In addition to the theological and accuracy discussions, here are a couple of other things to consider for our kids:

We do all we can to communicate to our kids that our home is safe and that they are protected. We never wanted a traumatized kid thinking a huge man in a red suit is going to sneak into our house. Usually Daddy would attack some guy that tried to get into our home, but not on Christmas. Christmas is a free for all. If they give you treats, it's okay. :-l

We also have clear boundaries with our kids. Strangers receive a high five or wave. Santa is a stranger. In no way shape or form was it "safe" emotionally for my children to be sitting on the lap of a stranger. It was inconsistent, awkward and unsafe to do this for Santa. Especially a stranger that then claims to know their inner thoughts and behaviors. Crreeeeepppppy!!!

Last and probably most importantly, Santa doesn't show up to orphanages. IF--and a huge unlikely if---there was any Christmas celebration in your child's orphanage, it didn't include stockings and tons of gifts. "He doesn't care if your rich or poor cause he loves us all the same." Really? No, that is a lie. Especially if your kids have memories from their home country or foster home, what are we communicating by saying "now that you're in America, Santa will come. He loves the kids in America. He goes all over the world giving children gifts, just not to you/your friends??" Not to mention this is so far from the story of St. Nicholas who did help the poor.

Just some things to think about as we set traditions and help traumatized children heal, accept the good and learn to trust the authorities God has placed over them.

Silliness

2010-12-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but this first week of advent has been filled with D-R-A-M-A!!! Too much excitement, too many activities, & too much sugar. Most of all, way tooooo many emotions. Sad over empty past Christmases, sad over deep losses, feeling unworthy of the showering of love and gifts, hating all the attention on Jesus.

I love the sweetness of the holidays but I hate what the sugar and dyes to do my little one. So I've resolved to add a little silliness to each day. Something to add giggles and snuggles and connection. Silliness and fun are deeply important for all days with our kids, but it seems much more so today.

One idea we did this week:
I let the kids pretend that they believed in Santa. We were at the mall and I let them go sit with him and tell them what they wanted for Christmas. They thought they were so funny saying their wishes with straight faces. They walked away and burst out laughing. It was a good connecting moment for us, too, because I praised them for their excellent acting skills with hugs and kisses. Just silly. Goofy. A little way to lighten the mood that seems so intense and dark for some of our kids.

Fabu Husbands

2010-11-08T20:12:00.000-08:00

Have I ever shared with you what my husband did one night to make me smile? If I have amuse me and read it again. ;)

After the longest RADtastic day that probably involved bodily fluids, he walked up to me, handed me a glass of wine and said, "Proverbs 31: 6, my love."

Honestly, after a long day of being rejected by my daughter and my heart withering in sadness I really didn't want to hear about how I was still some Proverbs 31 woman. As if despite my failures and my daughters hatred of me, I was still making it work. I didn't feel like I was and couldn't handle the standard at the moment.

I think by the look on my face, he could tell what I thought he was saying. "Just go see."

Well, the sweetness of the wine and the ridiculousness of his joke certainly ended my evening on a much better note.

No, I'm not going to tell you. Go look it up. And just know I am clinking your glass from the Sonoran Desert. :)

♥ to you

2010-11-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

There have been days over the last few months where my heart has been heavy for not writing here. I have felt guilt over leaving this blog quiet. But I have come to terms with the fact that it just needs to be what it needs to be. It's here to be an authentic outlet for our real life. And lately my real life with attachment disorder has resulted in a lot of not wanting to talk about attachment disorder. Sometimes you just need to say no. Ya know? So we will post when we can and I quadruple promise to be better about checking our email (attachinghearts at yahoo dot com)

You are loved and not alone. Cyber hugs........

Flower ♥

2010-11-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

This was sent in by a reader. Isn't it lovely? I imagine it bringing a smile to her face the way it did mine.

Send us your hearts. . . our little spontaneous reminders of God's love in the midst of our chaos.

Torturing a RADish

2010-11-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

Phone rings.

Girlfriend shares how my little RADish blatantly disobeyed me.

She's a good friend.

She shares it with no condemnation. No shame.

With kindness, reminding me that the Lord is faithful to reveal all sin.

She knows I don't actually care about the issue.

She knows I care much more about the distance between my heart and my daughter's heart.

She tells me to do what I want with the information.

After a very long week of pee on my floor, ignoring my voice, making a mess of her lessons and generally stirring up strife in our home, I decide to see what I can elicit with this information.

In other words TORTURE her!!! I don't mean for it to sound so fun. . .

She doesn't know who I just got off the phone with or what was said.

I simply say, "Well, bummer! That was such a disappointing phone call. Now I know that you are trying to hide from Mommy. But the Lord is faithful to reveal sin. He loves you that much! that He would let me know about even the secret things so we can deal with them and help your heart get stronger. I want you to come and sit right near me as I make dinner. I want to give you some time to think about your choices. I hope you will choose tell me what you are hiding from me."

(now insert tears, whining, carrying on and me smiling and telling her I know you can use your words!)

she is a twisted mess right now. I know she is dying trying to figure out which hidden thing I now know about. She would rather die than give up this control.

So I'll wait.

She is healing enough now that it won't be long. Maybe not tonight, but not long.

I know she will choose us.

And her choosing to tell me---to trust me---will be 1000x better than me coming down on her for an incident that doesn't really matter

always choose the heart, ladies. always choose the heart.

Autumn Love

2010-10-30T10:51:00.001-07:00

Right there by my pumpkin...I looked down...and lo and behold.....a whisper from the Lord.

Whiplash

2010-10-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

"Screw that. It's not like you're my parent."

Nice after ten years.... plus some.

You can read all about some other WHIPLASH moments in no particular order here....here.... here.....and here.

You can pray for me because moments like these hurt. My heart. My heart hurts.

The great news is that I think she was as shocked as my husband and I were. Immediately, she started to cry and tell me she didn't mean it. Real tears...lots of them. She has wanted lots of hugs and lots of kisses over the past days.

That's why I say pray for my hurt heart. Because I must set myself up for more WHIPLASH.

Checklist

2010-09-13T03:51:00.000-07:00

I think most potential adoptive parents would read a book or see a checklist like this and be so shocked by #'s 17, 24 & 27. So shocked maybe that they close the book or website, say I'm adopting a baby/toddler, this won't apply to me and ignore the rest. Unfortunately, that will lead to behavioral modification now and later and not really get to the core heart issue.

Someone that was suppose to meet my needs didn't.

Someone I knew and maybe loved is missing.

Someone sinned against me.

Sometimes these issues are so subtle at first. Then 2, 3, 5 years later the behaviors are out of control. I'll give you some of my 'subtle' examples that have led to a great deal of relational damage now over 2 years into healing.

~steals small things. treasures of sisters, change, earrings. Hides them. Throws them away. Nothing of financial impact. Things that have clearly been identified as not hers.

~crazy lying. hits wall and makes a loud noise to wake up siblings. Groggily and grumpily siblings ask why she woke them up. She says, I didn't do it. You did. In your sleep. (Dawn also had girlie break a siblings toy and blame it on the immobile newborn baby. LOL)

~poor peer relationships. she is not a bully or dishonoring. but she does not seek out friends. she then will push peers away by doing things like not speaking clearly or loudly enough.

~incessant chatter. she will recite and re-recite movies quotes over and over and over and over. to no one in particular

~receiving love-will never make eye contact and will be rigid when being held.

Now, I also have a lot of overt crazy behaviors going on here. But just something to chew on. . .

Do the checklist. Maybe when you video. And then do them both in 6 months.
RAD treatment

Zoo Heart in the Rain

2010-09-10T06:33:00.000-07:00

He Has Called You

2010-09-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

.

IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO??

.

Just You and Me

2010-09-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

oh, that the weary heart of my daughter would one day find refuge in Christ. . .
that her heart's cry would be this:

River Heart

2010-08-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

Whispers of His love. They are everywhere.

Nightmare

2010-08-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

Guess what we got as a Summer Reading Program gift from our local library?

Nightmare.

Trauma Discussion

2010-06-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Christine.

Family Bed Article

2010-06-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

We're a family bed sorta family. At one point or anohter...each of our kids have been in w/us...adopted or not.

This is an interesting..... article..... on the subject.

RAD song

2010-06-02T23:21:00.000-07:00

A long time ago...I told a dear friend that I love each of my kids enormously and that each one occupies a unique place in my inner most being down to it's very core...but that there is one...who holds a "special spot" in my heart...an area where the others do not tread. I know it's because that child has been used to push me into uncomfortable places. Places that have not always been traversed naturally...but supernaturally. Places I must pay very close attention to if I am to learn the lessons intended.

Oh, when that particular uncomfortable spot crosses over and seeps into the comfortable zone! When growth brings with it.....rest and peace. When parenting feels like the joyful gift it is! When reciprocal love is the reality rather than the ever illusive dream.
PAUSE the Music Player first.

What's Your Worldview?

2010-05-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

A great book dealing w/Worldview stuff. Are we like Frankenstein or Jekyll and Hyde? What do we believe? The answer to that question will answer so many others.

And, I feel like it's time to repost this...and this.

What's Your Plan?

2010-05-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

Girlie got up an hour early and readied herself for church. Shower....cute little summer dress...blown out and straightened hair.

The reason there is no Sunday morning pre-church stress and anxiety today? (It's a time management thing.) Because she chose for there not to be any.

That's what she told me. After giving me a few big happy pleased with her decision & new found wisdom kisses.

It seems she and her sister had some late night pillow talk about how she could avoid some of these crazy nonsense meltdowns. She came up w/a PLAN!

I am so proud of the hard work she is doing. And I am thrilled that she has the patient, loving, and kind sister she has. The one who always hopes the best for her.

For years now...whenever I sense that Girlie is spiraling...I say firmly while holding her shoulders and looking directly into her eyes..."STOP! Stop now."

She does.

"What's your plan?"

It did not happen over night...but over time...

....she has gotten into the habit of taking time to focus...actually hearing the question....processing it...and trying to answer it.

Lately...she is able to.

With a deep breath & a slow and steady response it usually goes something like this...

"My plan is.......ABCXYZ."

______________________________________
Sometimes it drives a parent crazy...the extra attention it takes w/that certain child....but we are committed till the end.

The Lord does not call the equipped...He equips the called.

Keep on keepin' on. Slow and steady.

True Sanity

2010-05-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

Love that Dawn has been sharing this last week. She articulated my heart exactly lately. Sick of RAD. This last weekend I got to go to a retreat. This song ministered deeply to my soul during a minor but seemingly endless spiral from my RADish. Only one thing is my true sanity through this world, through sin, through the consequences of sin.

(pause the player first)

Have You Looked In A Mirror Lately?

2010-05-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

Here's an idea for your toolbox.

We haven't pulled it out in at least the last 12 months.......... and...due to it's get the job done effectiveness...only had to use it a handful of times.

When you are at home...or (GASP) out in public....and your child begins to embark on a downward spiral...losing eye contact....talking nonsense chatter at an annoyingly high volume etc......pretend you are a mirror.

With a straight face....mimic him/her. Do EXACTLY what they are doing...in the EXACT manner they are doing it....come what may...come hell or high water.

Wow, did this snap Girlie into reality. She hated it. But, got the point. Quickly.

Here's the thing...you have to be so committed to the well-being of your child that you are willing to let others in your community wonder if you need to be committed.

I'll never forget one night in particular. We were at a pizza place and I was staring at Girlie's chin saying, "I DON"T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN I'M NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT?!?!?!?!?! OF COURSE I"M MAKING EYE CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At the same time, Dad was staring just above her eye.....at her eyebrow saying, "OF COURSE MOM IS MAKING EYE CONTACT AND SO AM I!!!!!!!!!!!"

Girlie wanted to crawl under the table.

The poor people in the next booth.

Our other kids ignored us and just kept eating.
________________________

I really think that most of these kids are unaware of the ridiculousness of their behaviours...until they see themselves in a mirror.

________________________

When she told us under her breath how embarrassing it was to have the people at the other table looking over at us.......we didn't coddle her.

"Yeah...your brothers and sisters probably know ALL about that, huh?"

Silence from Girlie.

"And by the way, maybe you should be more concerned with how you treat your parents and siblings...your actual family...than the strangers in the restaurant who you most likely will never ever see again .......and who most likely have troubles of their own and could care less about yours. How's about getting your own house in order and then, allowing the rest of the world to fall into place???????????"

Silence from Girlie.

Stares from the next booth.

The other kids just kept on eating.

btw.....

Watch out for "eyebrow contact"...or "corner of the eye eye contact." It's so subtle and oh so easy to miss.

Are You Numb?

2010-05-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

So we were in the waiting room of the dentist's office...when I was faced w/a conflicting choice.

Sit where I was ...continue drinking my freshly brewed cup of coffee...vegging out for a few peaceful moments reading a nonsense magazine...or go back w/14 year old Girlie and hold her hand while she got the shot she did not know she would be getting.

She would be numb by the time the shot came. She wouldn't know the difference.

I asked her. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm not scared...it's just awkward...you know...going to the dentist...it's not fun."

"I agree."

She was called in. After a kiss...and a thumbs up...I flipped through exactly two pages of the nonsense magazine ...before I motioned for the nurse.

"Due to my child's trauma history I would like to be back with her as she gets her shot."

"No problem...come on back," came the response.

When I entered the room where Girlie lay...mouth wide open...already numbing...in the hands of nurses she's known for years and years....I noticed tears in her eyes.

"I'm not crying," she said.

"Oh....it must be the eyelash in your eye that is causing those tears then"...I said...."or the mascara getting in those eyes."

She held my hand and chuckled nervously.

As the nurses ohhhhed and ahhhed about how brave she was....about how far she has come in the bravery department...I stroked her arm and held eye contact.

All done.

Sterile needle placed strategically out of her range of vision.

No pain whatsoever.

I leaned in for a farewell kiss.....and reminded her.
"Just in case you were wondering...you are loved. I love you."

She smiled and held her breath to brace herself for what was about to come.....a FILLING to fix a weak and cracked tooth!

One proud momma. And a convicted one too.

Who the heck cares what's going on in a magazine when I have opportunities to connect w/my baby girl???!?!?!?!?!

Buckle Up

2010-05-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

So Girlie had a bad morning. The buildup to the car-ride to church was not pretty...not by a long shot. The car-ride consisted of glares transmitted through the rear view mirror and pointed silence directed at me.

Here's the good news.

I saw the moment that the break happened. The exact moment....I can pin point it.

We had travelled 3 miles...we were at the intersection between our quiet neighborhood and a well trafficked avenue. She had been sitting stubbornly since the drive-way...refusing to buckle up. Arms crossed. Pouting.

Our little one kept reminding her of the safety rule. The same safety rule that has been in place since the day Girlie arrived home 10 years ago. She would not buckle up.

"It's okay. " I said. "Everyone makes choices in life and if Girlie desires to mock the Lord w/her choices...challenging wisdom....then let her. If there is a car accident...she will have to suffer the consequences of her choices/hard hearted rebellious sin."

By the time we reached the intersection I heard the CLICK.

Just before communion...she leaned her head on my shoulder and repented for her behavior...naming specific heart problems...specific sin issues. She asked for forgiveness and a kiss and she got both. Genuine eye contact.

On the drive home...unsolicited....she articulated what was bothering her...the thing that spiralled the morning into a hell zone.

Tomorrow we have the dentist and her weakened due to malnutrition cracked tooth needs to be fixed. She is afraid. Eye contact.

Full reconciliation.

I'm thanking the Lord she did not wind up in a hospital bed paralyzed on that three mile trip to the intersection where I allowed her to ride w/out a seat belt.

Cutting Board Heart

2010-05-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

Heart Splash

2010-05-22T15:45:00.001-07:00

UPDATE

2010-05-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted here. To tell you the truth...sometimes I just don't want to talk about attachment issues. It's gets old.

Update in our home:

Girlie has been making GREAT strides. Mostly in the form of trusting her parents w/her heart. This kid is a believer w/the gift of discernment. Her discernment blows me away sometimes. She can nail a sin issue to it's core.

A handful of times over the past few months...she has addressed troubling areas in others while owning her own troubles (we don't take well to planks in our own eyes around here. )

She has done so w/our knowledge and under our protection. She has handled herself beautifully and I am sure feels very safe.

With that comes trust and much growth.

And, a few spirals. To be expected. Predictable.

They don't seem to last long these days though. And she is able to articulate rather quickly what she is feeling...because trying to figure it our based on behavior is almost impossible. When her feelings don't match her reactions....we point it out.

Actually....we usually just kinda look at her blankly and remain silent. Within seconds...she usually figures out that there is a discrepancy and adjusts herself.

Sometimes....we have to do that three or four times in an afternoon....but no more week long or month long or season long spirals to speak of.

Unattached Mommy

2010-04-08T10:20:00.001-07:00

An article about the other side of attaching trouble.

Trashed Heart

2010-03-29T21:16:00.001-07:00

Fried Heart

2010-03-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

Baby Sling Recall

2010-03-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

We are all about keeping those babies close. We love slings and wraps and backpacks. There are changes in both the Momma and the baby to have that little one bumpin up against you all day long. Today there was a recall though. Be sure to check and make sure your sling is not one of the ones that has been recalled. One million in the US alone. If you have a newborn, preemie or failure to thrive, etc you should probably stick to a wrap.

Check out the BBC report.

Be safe with those snuggles. :)

2010-03-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when I talked about secular psychology breaking down because they superimpose adult thoughts of process onto child minds?

SUCH a perfect example erupted this week. One of my kids had to be hospitalized for a ruptured appendicitis. But what are both my RADish and her sister GRIEVING??! The loss of her umbilical hernia that was fixed during the operation. It was an after thought to us. It was doing a little tuck to prevent her having to go under a second time. It was small. No big deal to us. See? This isn't even heart wounds and trauma of the past. Kids. They don't think the way we do. We can't crawl into their minds to see their perspective. That is why we need to be consistent and clear and biblical in their instruction and discipline. Because until they can use their words, we won't guess what has really hurt their hearts.

2010-03-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

Answer The Question Asked, Please

2010-03-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

DD had a relatively calm day. We were in public for most of it, which always helps. Saving those pretty behaviors for me. ;)

BUT one of her default behaviors is to avoid the question answered. She likes to give some long extended explanation about things similar to the topic but not answering the question or crazy lying about something that the senses negate.

E.g. did daddy say you can wear that? daddy says the dress is too small. . . and on and on.

E.g. do you have brown shoes? ~no. do you have brown shoes? ~only big ones. do you have brown shoes? ~a little brown. do you have brown shoes? (maybe 12 times later while I am holding the brown shoes) yes, I have brown shoes with white polka dots.

Sometimes it is so subtle that you may not notice it. You have to attune your ears to bunny trails and the avoidance of intimacy or fault. I will continue to ask the original question or say something like "oops! that's not what Mommy asked you. Try again." There are little ways they are pushing away a normal interaction with you. Press in. Little here, little there.

Explaining Attachment

2010-03-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

Felt the need to repost this. There are lots of moms coming forward who are just realizing their child has RAD or have a new baby home. I know for me a lot of my weariness came from try to explain what we were struggling with to people that had previously had no exposure to wounded children. I hope in a small way to say, we've been there. You are not alone. Here are some words that helped us. I originally wrote it on my personal blog in 2008. . .

I am tired and frustrated beyond tears. Loving a child that doesn't want to be loved is the hardest thing in the entire world. I know at the heart of it, she wants desperately to be loved and the rejection has more to do with my position-not me personally. But her actions all day long say, 'you are horrible, I don't like you, I will not do what you say, I don't like my siblings and I hate this house.' It is sometimes disobedience done with a smile or quiet manipulation. But even the parts that look happy are fake! And by God's grace, He prompts me to ask questions and reveal her sin. And yes, it is sin. But there is no breaking. And when there are tears, I have learned it is usually something selfish like she has to pee and not because her heart has really softened to repentance. And then comes the stillness. It is the cold, hard, apathetic, self-protective stare that scares me the most. It says to me, I need to save her from this moment or it will only get worse. Next time, will she resort to something harder or harsher? Every day, I am balancing consistent discipline-usually not in my flesh-of the one while not ruining the day of the others. It is exhausting and depressing. It is isolating. Explaining it to others and having to explain why you aren't crazy really prevents you from talking about it. Please. Please. If you know someone that is struggling with their child-traumatize bio or adopted, please do not tell them it is just like your kid. It isn't. It is not a strong willed child It is not what all kids go through.
You can research and read if you really want to learn more. But I have found telling people to research something they are not affected by won't happen. I get it. So I have been trying to think through how to explain it to others without the science and psychology. Most people think we are dealing with a strong-willed child. But it is so not like that. When a strong willed child is hurt-say a gash on the knee-they still cry. They still want Mommy to comfort them. They may be the most independent, sassy kid on the block, but they know their parents will meet their needs. They know they really can't do life without their parents. They communicate their needs-down to I am thirsty, I am hungry, I am bored. They don't flail around, pick at their fingers, take deep breaths, twitch and shake before they can look you in the eye. They show their desire for control because they want their way. It is not to communicate clearly to their caretaker you are not in control, you are not doing a good job, so I feel the need to take over. And most of all....YOU are attached to your child. That is the hardest part of the equation. As a mom, I want to connect, gush, and be moved by my child. When a naughty, independent, strong-willed child is giving you a go, you are still passionately in love with your child. I love her in the she- is- my- child- given- by- God and I will do my best for her, but quite honestly, there are not warm fuzzies right now. And that is really really hard. I know I am a good Mommy. But I don't feel like it right now. Love is an action and I submit my heart to what He is calling me to do. We struggle to attach to the Lord who loves us sacrificially. I want that joy in the sacrificial love. But He also loves us as children and friends..... and I long for that, too. Please pray for us as parents to have wisdom and for our girls as they learn to trust, to obey and to feel safe.

You are not alone. It is a long, hard marathon. But God wants to redeem this child for His glory. And He wants you to help Him do it. You are not up to the task, but turn towards Him. He will equip you.

Bubble Gum Queen

2010-03-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

One way to mimic nursing for an older child is chewing gum. The jaw motion and sweetness are calming. So I've become the bubble gum queen.

Here are my couple of rules:

1) anytime between breakfast and dinner (or when the sun is up, etc) you ask for bubble gum in an honoring way (May I please have bubble gum?), I will say yes.

2) You may not touch your gum, take it out of your mouth, etc.

This not only calms them and gives them great sensory input but it also helps build trust. The always affirmative answer helps my RADish trust me with a fun want. Everyday for the first week, I had to remind her it was there and what the rules were. It was over a week before she mustered the strength to ask.

Sensory Input

2010-03-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

Purvis said the vast majority of kids with wounded pasts will deal with some degree of sensory processing issues. She suggests doing the checklists in a book like Kranowitz's Out-of-Sync Child. You can also have an OT do an evaluation. You can also use one like Dawn has suggested here, too.

A lot of sensory issues will mimic attachment and vice versa. Babies learn to interpret their worlds and learn to later make decisions through their senses. If they don't learn how to interpret senses coming at them, they interpret all of it as danger. I love that Purvis wants parents to use a breastfeeding newborn as the standard of a sensory bath. Think of all of the ways a baby is washed with + sensory input when nursing. Our kids need sensory baths. all. the. time. However, everything she does is age appropriate.

~massage

~Out-of-Sync-Child Has Fun

~Simon Says

~Breathing

~Chair sit-ups

Conference

2010-03-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

I've gotten stuck a few times as I sat down to type out some these thoughts from the conference. I think mostly because so much of what she shares she touches on in her book. BUT I am just going to hit the points that resonated deeply with me and gave me some hope! Again, I am just sharing from my notes, for what they are worth. Obviously, you'll have to do your own research and find what's best for your child.

There are many reasons I was crying several times throughout the day. As I shared before, she is about treating the whole child. What she said made sense to me, if that makes sense. You can't look at these kids and separate out the physical or spiritual or emotional parts in hopes that just addressing attachment will resolve all the other parts. Because therapies and teachers are usually treating the child individually, these people silo their efforts and don't treat the child holistically. We as parents need to be the primary therapist (like you didn't feel this or know this!) and set the vision for care and advocacy.

First and foremost, she would say these kids need comprehensive evaluations for things like parasites, allergy tests, urine assays, blood work, etc. We usually bring our kiddos home and test for parasites and general communicable diseases. But I think a lot of these kids have so much more going on. You need to know everything you are dealing with to be able to make the right plan of action.

A child with a wounded past, as Purvis described it, has a different brain chemistry. The trauma they have been through (even an unwanted pregnancy) alters the brain chemistry (dopamine, seratonin, lead, etc) of a child. She suggests a urine assay that will help determine if you are dealing with toxins/inbalances that chilated mineral or other supplements could help with.

Video the Opposite

2010-02-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

Can I tell you how brilliant Dawn is?? (and this time I am not just biased ;) You may remember we talked a bit about the importance of video taping or photographing your RADish. It is soooo important. But today, as my RADish was spiraling, grandma came over to help with home schooling (yes I heart her!!). I was chatting with Dawn for a minute while they were busy and she said you need to go video them. Your attaching kids need to see one day all of the + moments of their lives. Their memories cannot just be filled with yelling and pain of their sister.

We can get so distracted by the center of attention child, that we forget to capture (for us with video not pictures) all the special quiet lovely moments for them.

I want them to remember their great-grandmother's voice and hear the way they encouraged one another and learned new things. The little moments that are in the middle of the pain.

BRILLIANT!!!

Charging the camera now.

The Comforter

2010-02-22T16:15:00.000-08:00

I love Spurgeon. His words never fail to freshly explain God's Word or communicate my heart through the trials. You can read his devotions daily here. This one, however, can only be found in this:

"God, who comforts the downcast"

And who comforts like Him? Go to some poor, melancholy, distressed child of God; tell him sweet promises and whisper in his ear choice words of comfort; he is like the deaf adder that doesn't listen to the voice of the charmer, even though he charms wisely. He is drinking gall and wormwood, and no matter how you comfort him, you will only get a note or two of mournful resignation from him; you will bring forth no psalms of praise, no hallelujahs, no joyful sonnets. But let God come to His child, let Him lift up his countenance, and the mourner's eyes glisten with hope. Do you not hear him sing-'tis paradise, if you are here, if you depart, 'tis hell.'

You could not have cheered him: but the Lord has done it; He is the "God of all comfort." There is no balmin Gilead but there is a balm in God. There is no physician among the creatures, but the Creator is Jehovah-rophi. It is marvelous how one sweet word of God will make whole songs for Christians. One word of God is like a piece of gold, and the Christian is like the gold beater and can hammer that promise our for weeks. So, then, poor Christian, you need not sit down in despair. Go to the Comforter and ask Him to give you consolation. You are a poor, dry well. You have heard it said that when a pump is dry, you must pour water down it first of all and then you will get water; and so, Christian, when you are dry, go to God, ask Him to shed abroad His joy in your hear, and then your joy shall be full. Do not go to earthly acquaintances, you will find them to be Job's comforters; but go first and foremost to "God, who comforts the downcast," and you will soon say, "when the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul."

I was so humbled by the realization of how often I seek comfort from creation and not the Creator. On my longest days of frustration and pain with my daughter, it is easier to seek out a friend than it is to wrestle it out with the God. In my flesh, I know it is my anger towards Him for not 'fixing' this trial or my own attachment issues of trusting that He will deliver the comfort my heart is seeking. I don't know where you are on the attachment journey or if there is pain in your heart tonight, but are you truly seeking Christ to be the comforter in your downcast moments? I know I have stumbled here. It is not that we are not to comfort one another. This blog would not exist if we thought that. We are to help carry one another's burdens. But first, our hearts should seek HIS consolation because it is deeper and sweeter with Him. To His feet I run. . .

. . .My words appeared slowly as I typed. I glanced up and through the sprinkle of rain, the sun shone fiercely. I could not see a rainbow from my yard. But knowing the Lord's faithfulness, it surely is nearby.

P.S. I am working on several posts about the conference. Coming soon this week!! :)

Discipline Cleverly

2010-02-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

One of the most challenging aspects of parenting a child who is struggling alongside siblings who are not...is the discipline factor. What works for the rest (or most kids) does not seem to work for this one child.

Now, we know we must discipline our children.... out of obedience.

Coming up w/clever "disciplines" goes w/the territory.

Try this one...

If you have a child who.... "fill in the blank w/an action/behavior/choice" which requires discipline...

....inform that child that you will be choosing their clothing for the day/week/month/year (j.k.)

Last week, I chose an adorable pink skirt and floral pink top for Girlie to wear to co-op. It was a lovely outfit. She looked very nice in it.

It's not that the outfit was ugly...it's the fact that I was choosing it...that drove her wild.

She tried a few times in her most honoring unsubmissive way possible....to reason w/me....explaining why the adorable outfit was not appropriate for her on that particular day etc.etc.etc.

Eventually, when she hit the Mom Brick Wall ...she submitted.

It was an awesome moment when she arrived at co-op to hear one of the other mom's comment on how cute she looked.

Girlie and I had eye contact. We shared a smile. I moved over and whispered in her ear, "Thank you for submitting....and because I am a good Mom...I chose an adorable outfit for you today."

I got a hug and then she ran off to class.

We've tried the ...here wear this TOTAL DORKEY LOOKING RIDICULOUS CENTER OF ATTENTION... WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE BEING BTW SO WHY THE HECK NOT APPEAR LIKE IT IN ALL IT'S GLORY??????.... OUTFIT out in public also....and because I am a good Mom...you get to wear striped socks and mismatched Crocs just to finish off the look.

There are many options available to us....in our arsenal of parenting tools.

If one things for certain we must remain consistent while constantly switching it up :)

Bullies

2010-02-11T18:08:00.000-08:00

Over the years we have developed and maintained a close knit circle of friendships. Obviously, the "acquaintance circle" has been larger...but the actual 'friendship one" has been tight.

Some struggling kids attract mean spirited kids like flies to poop. Two kids in our history come to mind. Bullies (emotional not physical) from the word "GO."

A while back, it was almost as if Girlie was asking for the bullying. She'd step directly into the line of fire... and then not even realize she was getting hit smack in the forehead.

She'd even defend the bullies.

It broke my heart. It made me angry! At the bullies..... and at Girlie.

This momma don't raise no dummies!!!!!!!!!
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Now, I am very well aware of the fact that my kids are sinners. From the word "Go." Girlie is a big time honkin' super duper-sized sinner.

She is not a bully, however.

And now...because we've had practice dealing w/them.... she recognizes one when she sees one.

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If your child is not a bully....BEWARE because they may attract them.

Progress Report

2010-02-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

So, unsolicited I got another Progress Report from a co-op teacher. She has noticed great improvements in Girlie's academic work over the past year & simply wanted me to know. It took all my might not to leap for joy while twirling and kissing this sweet lady all over her beautiful face!

It was just the encouragement I need to keep on keepin' on because you can tend to think you might be deluding yourself when things appear to be going well.

Peer relationships seem to be going well too. Lots of play dates and sleep-overs here at the house...w/no trouble to speak of. If something minor pops up (as it does w/all kids) Girlie is now very quick to catch herself.

Yesterday, Girlie came to me and told me she had a need (private mother/daughter kinda need.) When this need has popped up in the past....sometimes it's taken Dear Old Mom a few days to find out about it....but now, Girlie sees and understands why moms should be & can be trusted in this area.

At one point in the afternoon....I got a big tight hug. From behind...kinda sorta awkward...as I was unable to hug back. I thanked Girlie for the affection...mentioning that it was a bit weird though...the way she offered it. Twirling her around...I modelled what true hugs look like. She's seen them/had them (full on frontal swoop you up in overwhelming love giant hugs) a bazillion times before. She relaxed in to it w/ an..... "Oh, Mom"....then, sauntered off as teen-aged girls tend to do. Only thing missing was a flick of the hair.

Last night, I was tucking lil' sister in when Girlie came to me for goodnight kisses. Oh and btw....she also mentioned that she had done the dishes for me.

Without asking?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????? I just about died..... but instead, remained outwardly calm and said, "Why thank you very much."
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This is your encouragement:

At one point in time...a few years back...Girlie had me VERY worried. There were days when I was depressed...when I could not see the forest for the tress.

There were days when I was frightened. When I was sad. When I was angry. When I was numb.

One Mom's Attachment Testimony....

Evidences of deep and lasting change did not become apparent until the Lord drew Girlie into a saving relationship with Himself.

Without the Holy Spirit leading the way...all our work/energies/efforts ....good as they were/might be....

....were/are in vain. Built on sand.

We must continually check ourselves. Are we operating in the flesh?

And, we must remember the fact ....that our unsaved kids.......... are most definitely operating in the flesh.

Stay close to the Lord, parents...so that you hear His whispers...so that you recognize His promptings. Obey what He is showing you.

Plant the seeds. Water the seeds. Pull the weeds. Prune.

Pray parents. Pray siblings. Pray grandparents. Pray friends....for the Lord to heal hearts.

Our kiddos and ours.

Sensory Rooms

2010-02-09T20:21:00.001-08:00

Girlie had a sensory room in her orphanage similar to something sorta kinda like this one...except not quite as elaborate, polished, or fancy.

It was hardcore...though. Just a bit more rustic and folk arty.

Anybody have experiences w/spaces like this here in the states?